my vag is so smooth its legendary
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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