Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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