If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
