i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
