Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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