The beer is more important than you right now.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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