apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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