A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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