I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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