I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
