She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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