I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
