Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize