I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
