woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I'm really busy with my period
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