did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
