i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i think i have two assholes
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
