So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
