This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
