We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
