I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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