Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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