remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Ketchup is God's man juice
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
