Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize