I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
