based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
