please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
