Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
