maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
