remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
