I met the friendliest cop last night
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
