My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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