I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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