I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
