I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
