And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
