If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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