Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
