i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
