Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
