i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize