Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
