I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
