just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
