FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Life without a bra equals bliss.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
