Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
