I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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