i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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