Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
