He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
