You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
