True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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