happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
