I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
