It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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