chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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