Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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