just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We have started to decorate penises.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
