He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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